I can’t breathe. 2020, you have changed me. I have written sentence after sentence, deleted, re-typed, erased and erased. Finding the words to describe exactly how I am feeling right now feels impossible. I can’t breathe. I do not know what George Floyd felt as he begged for his life and uttered those words “I can’t breathe” but since his death I have not felt the same. The heaviness in my chest, the anxiety that is pooling in my body, I feel helpless. I am not quite sure my anxiety has ever seen this new static normal. My heart is so broken for the world right now. I can’t breathe.
There is so much darkness around us, and I feel so sad. I haven’t written a blog post in months. With the coronavirus pandemic, my brother in-laws passing and the overwhelming daily anxiety of trying to comprehend everything going on, I haven’t felt I could put the right words together. How does one sum out the magnitude & layered complexity of the feelings associated with everything going on? I read a quote this morning on instagram and it stated “all the women in me, are tired”. I quickly pushed save, and moved on scrolling. At first I thought to myself, YES YES, all of this, I will come back to it. Then I started thinking about how tired I feel, and realized, this is how people of color are feeling…all the time. We live in a society that we have allowed people of color to feel inadequate, judged and tired…all of the time. I can’t breathe anymore, we can’t breathe anymore.
I won’t sit here and try to tell you I understand even a fraction of everything going on but that is the sole reason why I chose to write this blog post. I had writers block after block after block simply because I knew each sentence could be scrutinized, criticized or taken out of context. The reason being is this situation is uncomfortable and because I can NEVER ever fully understand what it would be like to be black. Talking about racism is uncomfortable. It’s uncomfortable for all of us. But what I have realized recently, that this feeling of being uncomfortable, it’s pointless. This is NOT ABOUT ME.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my saviour”
For far too long so many of us have turned our backs on what has truly been happening in our country. Instead of talking about it, really talking about it, we close our mouths for fear of upsetting someone or having a different view point. Well, today being silent should feel as bad as saying the wrong thing…at least that is what I am gathering from these recent events.
I have realized the things I do not know, I need to spend time understanding. I need to spend time talking to my friends and my family and I need to be a part of the change, not a spectator judging how things should be different. Who am I to sit back and talk the talk, yet not make a single effort to change things? Talk about privileged. I need to be better.
The past few days I have felt like I didn’t know which way to turn. My tears seemed to follow me everywhere. How can we live in a world with such hate. It’s overwhelming. It’s heart breaking and we need help.
I think I personally have gotten so overwhelmed with the magnitude of 2020, that I felt small. Small like what I had to say would not matter. I think so much of the time when big issues arise like this we all take that seat in the back. We decide that our tiny voice, our opinion, our knowledge and education would be so small, that it really wouldn’t matter. Or we don’t know the whole story and we feel it best to not consume ourselves with it for fear of it changing us. We convince ourselves that staying quiet is better because this way we aren’t involved. Instead of using a voice we choose to stay silent. We tell ourselves that we aren’t political, we aren’t preaching our views, our values, our thoughts. We are neutral which makes us likable.
I am 33 years old and I am done caring about being likable. It is time to stop fearing of doing the wrong thing and try to do the right thing. I feel in my heart we are being called to do something. I sat here a month ago preaching #stayhome to save the elders, to save my grandparents, to save your grandparents. How can I turn my back on something just as devastating to our society. Talking about race, sexuality, religious beliefs, it is all uncomfortable because we all have our own experiences, views and beliefs. One thing that should be unanimous and across the board is loving one another. Somehow that has gotten lost. Race does not get to decide if you live or die.